I know that I haven't really been keeping my journal very updated lately... I'm sorry about that.

Naturally, a lot has happened between my last journal and the one that I'm writing now. Some of it has been good; we've finally settled things in court it seems. My mom has 50-50 custody of the kids. Every Wednesday they switch between which parent they have to live with for that week. It's good to have them back again. At least, more than before. But, of course, a lot of bad stuff has happened as well. My life can't seem to go without... But I don't really want to get in to all that right now.

Basically, the main reason I haven't kept you guys all up to date is simply due to... a lack of energy. A lack of will; I've been so stressed out and drained and just genuinely flat-out depressed that I just preferred to keep things bottled up inside & only discuss them with only a select few as opposed to forcing myself to re-live the emotions and situations by venting things out here on DA. That's not really a valid excuse for refusing to keep my friends in the loop, but I guess I was just tired of feeling like I only ever have bad news to bring to the table. I've just been putting on a happy face instead; grinning and baring it, because though sometimes I feel like I'm really all alone and nobody truly understand how I feel, it is far less painful then watching people get awkward about exactly what to say to console me, or to feel like others pity me and my family, simply because nothing can be done to change our circumstance...

So there you have it. That's why I haven't been writing journals
But I wanted to write about this. I had to.

My mother broke up with her boyfriend recently. That might not seem like anything big to anyone else, but let me try to explain;
Robbert has been her boyfriend for the past two years. I love that man. He has treated our little family so right, been so kind to all of us. He has honestly been the only "father figure" I have had in a long, long time. Even before my parents divorced, my father was so distant that he felt more like a stranger living in our home then an actual member of the family. He never participated in family activities or family outings... He didn't care to bond with us. Robbert has always welcomed us into his home and treated us with a great deal of love and kindness. I know that he really cares about all of us.

But I also understand why they broke up... both sides of the story.

It's not that they broke up that bothers me.

It's my mom's new boyfriend. Chuck.

There's nothing wrong with Chuck really, that I can say. It's not that I don't like him; he's a nice enough guy. He seems to make her happy and I respect him simply because my mother is dating him, but he moved in so quick, he's been showering her with attention and it sort of troubles me... She isn't home at all anymore; she doesn't come home to watch movies or make dinner with us, or even stay the night in the house anymore. He took her out on vacation to Vegas for the whole last week. And they've only been dating for like 2-3 weeks now. But what's more; He seems to be extremely jealous.

What bothers me is that he has pretty much forbidden my mom from seeing Robbert at all anymore. Not even as simple friends. He got really angry about it, and made her feel really bad that she still wants him in her life, that WE still want him in our lives. I don't like someone guilting my mother into staying away from someone that she cares about, and what's more, from someone that her children have seen as a father figure for almost three years now.

Robbert came over the other day. He seemed a little skittish, but wanted to know if he could just talk to my brother or I, even though he "wasn't supposed to be there". Keegan wasn't home, but I told him that I would gladly talk to him, and he proceeded to tell me that he was just worried about my mom because to both he and Valletta (my mother's best friend) Chuck seems like sort of the "controlling" type and he really doesn't want anything bad to happen to her. He just basically told us to look out for her, because we (her kids) are all she's really got, and to give him a call if ever we need anything at all, but that he can't come around anymore, because Chuck is so jealous and he doesn't want to cause more grief for my mom. There were tears glistening behind his eyes as he spoke with me, and he was trying his best to keep his voice from cracking as he talked, but it still did. When he said that he really cared about us kids, and said with the sort of chuckle that you only ever make when you're trying to hide how much something really hurts you said "you know, I asked your mom for a second chance. I don't know that I'll get it.", I couldn't help but break down crying myself as I hugged and held him. All I could do was tell him that he was a very important man in my life, and that I was sorry that things had to be the way that things are right now. As he left he told me again that we were ALWAYS welcome to his home and what not, but I couldn't help the horrible pitiless feeling in my stomach as I watched him walk away.

I understand perfectly why my mother broke up with him, but I also don't like how fast things are going with her new boyfriend. I don't like that Chuck is refusing to give my mother the space or chance or time to work things out with Robbert if she wanted to try and simply moved right in. I don't like how he wont even allow them to just remain friends, and I especially don't like him not wanting Robbert around US. My siblings and I are not his property or something that he owns. I don't like the feeling that he might get angry with my mom if her kids want to keep another man in their lives. Actually, it makes me very angry...

*sigh* I just can't shake the feeling that my mother is making a very big mistake.

But honestly, what am I supposed to do?

My siblings and I all love this man very much. He's been such an important and---what's more---STABLE part of our lives. I don't want to loose him.

Maybe that's selfish. Incredibly selfish. But I know that my siblings feel the same. At least Paxton and Sydney do.

I never thought that I was so weak that I required "a father's love" in my life, but it seems as though I was wrong... Thinking of living without Robbert in my life is absolutely crushing.

The last two Sundays in a row we've had practice singing this song in one of my classes in preparation for father's day;

"The father or our home
lends our family with wisdom's light in all that's right;
my father is good to me.
fathers are so special, with a very special love.
They watch us and protect us.
They guide us and direct us,
back to our home above."

I can't sing it without breaking down crying... because I don't have anyone like that in my life, and the one person who is even close is being made to abandon me.

It's a wretched feeling.

Please Robbert, I wish you wouldn't go. You and Melissa and yes, even John are all special people in my life. I need you guys so much...

~Iris

EDIT: So I guess it was exactly like I was worried about all day today...
When I got home from my friend's house (who's house I was at when I wrote this journal) my mom pulled me, Keegan, and Paxton aside to inform us that over their week in Vegas she and Chuck got engaged. :/